Jock Talk with Joel Charron: The Legend of Sam Girard

 

Editors Note: This is a parody article done with the permission of the subject and his parents. This article is written purely for fun and is not to be taken serious.

If you were able to catch any of the General Amherst junior football games this year, you caught a glimpse of something special.

Blessed with a rocket arm and a fiery competitive spirit, Grade 9 quarterback, Sam Girard commanded the junior Bulldogs with the poise of a 10 year NFL veteran while he dazzled crowds and “Wowed” his teammates.

Now, if you’re wondering why am I writing about junior football well after the season has ended, well, it has taken me this long to sort through all the stories, verify all the rumors and marvel at the legend of Sam Girard.

I first noticed something a little different about Sam during their playoff victory over the St. Anne Saints where Sam threw for over 200 yards and three touchdowns on offence and caught two interceptions on defense.

After watching this performance, my thoughts began to swirl.

“There’s something up with this kid. I’ve never seen a kid this big this   young…even for a Girard.”

I approached Sam for an interview shortly after the game and after asking him a few questions, I could tell there was something he wanted to say.

In his soft, monotone voice, Sam simply asked if we could meet later because there was something he wanted to get off his chest and wanted me to tell his story.

Smelling a giant scoop, I agreed to meet the young gridiron warrior just a few hours later and sat completely dumbfounded as he revealed his secret.

Sam Girard isn’t the Sam Girard that we’ve all come to love and appreciate, in fact Sam Girard is a 4,000 year-old time traveler from the year 8584 who has travelled back in time for the sole purpose of being a part of the puzzle that can help bring General Amherst back to the pigskin promise land.

If you are wondering why Sam doesn’t look 4,000 years old, well that’s because he developed an age defying formula that consists of drinking specific quantities of specific flavors of Gatorade in a specific order at a specific time.

This formula completely slows the aging process to a grinding halt, allowing Sam to keep the appearance of a 14-year-old while keeping the wisdom and knowledge he has learned throughout many centuries.

Knowing that his size and strength, as “14-year-old” would raise some eyebrows, a deal was made between Sam and his “parents” Glenn and Karen Girard.  Sam’s size  would fit right in with their two other freakishly large sons Mitch and Todd, thus never arousing any suspicions.

Thank to sports almanacs given to me by Sam Girard, I learnt a great deal about football in his time and his football career. Without going into detail, let me just say that the guy has won multiple World Bowls completely rewritten the history books and when it became legal to use robotics parts…well that’s different story.

Time travel is nothing new to Sam. He said he would periodically visit certain times and “have a little fun.”

In 1968, he told Joe Namath that the New York Jets would beat the Baltimore Colts in Super Bowl III then dared Namath to guarantee the win to the media.

In 1991, he convinced then Green Bay Packers general manager Ron Wolf to send a first round draft pick to the Atlanta Falcons for Brett Favre, a move that worked out quite well for the Packers.

In 2001, Sam Girard arrived at the hotel room of New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick and handed him a 25 page, detailed plan on how to beat the heavily favored St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI. Pats won 20-17.

Even through all the fame and fortune, Sam Girard has remained grounded. His good nature never let his ego get out of control and believes in helping his community.

Upon further research, I discovered in 4756 Sam Girard made a building out of Popsicle and matchsticks. In 8584 it serves as an orphanage and is one of the most beloved buildings in the world.

Sam Girard once threw a 65-yard touchdown pass while helping to deliver a baby…that baby’s name was Tom Brady.

Sam Girard once made a football out of mud and grass after realizing they did not have a ball to play with.  After seeing this ball in use, ball manufacturer Wilson asked Sam for the design specs and began producing his desgin. That ball is used in every professional game in present day.

Sam Girard once threw a 30-yard touchdown pass to himself while eating a Philly Cheese steak. Sam caught the ball with one hand, without dropping any of the cheese steak.

Sam Girard has also been romantically linked to several beautiful starlets through the centuries but in the words of an anonymous supermodel/actress, “Sam Girard is too good of a person for just one women, Sam Girard must be shared with the world.”

The list of accomplishments and situations Sam Girard has been linked to are endless.

For now Sam Girard is here, in this time, 2013 and I look forward to watching the legend of Sam Girard grow even bigger over the next four years.

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